Knight Agency Book in a Nutshell Contest.

I am going to enter my book Midnight in Vegas into the Knight Agency Book in a Nutshell contest.

The basic premise is that you have to sum up your book in three sentences and less than 150 words. They are going to ask for full manuscripts from the best entries.

I have been working on my three sentences but I would like to hear what you have to say about them.

Here is what I have:

A strange and powerful new drug emerges from the pulsating clubs of Las Vegas, instantly replacing Ecstasy as the drug of choice, the substance soon is found in every corner of the city. Deep within the pastel shadows cast by neon lights a demon patiently watches as her essence is consumed by thousands, she grows in power and influence; soon she will have enough souls to return to our world. Can a burned out Ecstasy dealer, grown old and disillusioned with the scene, or a young Metro officer, oblivious to the unseen world around him, realize what is really happening, and if they do, can they stop her?

I am looking for feedback here people! Critique, suggest, help me!  I don’t need platitudes. This is a great opportunity for a big agent to look at my work, but my sentences have to be really, really good. I know they run on but they are looking for up to 150 words so I’m not too worried about that. I want my sentences to stand out and I don’t think they are there yet.

You can comment by clicking on the headline and filling out the comment box. I can approve or disapprove comments so don’t worry about being too harsh! If you don’t want me to post your comment let me know. You can email me at lystraeudaimon@msn.comor send me a private tweet at @lystrapitts if you don’t want to comment on the blog.

Thanks

-Lystra

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8 Comments

  1. a “she” demon a powerful she o.k. I’m sucked in

    sorry , not a critic, just a reader, a fussy one,

    we all like different reading for different reasons,

    this sounds like I would read more………

    nan

  2. I recommend focusing on the protagonist first and moving him/her up in your hook. This hook focuses on the villain first (I think), which is tempting, but may not help you win the contest.

    Focus on:
    1. Protagonist
    2. Protagonist’s problem
    3. Setting
    4. That unique twist you give it all

  3. Okay Version 2.0
    Jeff Heaven is getting a bit long in the tooth to be a club kid, let alone an Ecstasy dealer, he had thought he had seen it all when a strange and powerful new drug emerges from the pulsating clubs of Las Vegas, instantly replacing Ecstasy as the drug of choice, the substance soon is found in every corner of the city, and Jeff befriends the sole supplier. A young Las Vegas Metro Officer goes clubbing with his girlfriend blissfully unaware that deep within the pastel shadows cast by neon lights a demon patiently watches as her essence is consumed by thousands, she grows in power and influence; soon she will have enough souls to return to our world. Can a burned out Ecstasy dealer, grown old and disillusioned with the scene, or a young Metro officer, oblivious to the unseen world around him, realize what is really happening, and if they do, can they stop her?

    OK run on sentence palooza! I think it is better though. What is really crazy is there isn’t a green line to be found in word! HA! I beat grammar check!
    I would like to thank everyone who emailed, twittered, and commented on this for me. It is really appreciated.
    Please keep the comments coming! I love the help. Same gig as last time contact me any way you feel comfortable.
    Tchuss
    -Lystra

  4. OK Version 3.0
    That is what I get for mocking Word.
    I was at 160 words! DOH! Had to cut some fluff.

    Jeff Heaven is getting a bit long in the tooth to be a club kid, let alone an Ecstasy dealer, he had thought he had seen it all when a strange and powerful new drug emerges from the pulsating clubs of Las Vegas, instantly replacing Ecstasy as the drug of choice, the substance soon is found in every corner of the city, and Jeff befriends the sole supplier. Niccolo Casciano is a young Las Vegas Metro Officer out clubbing with his girlfriend unaware that deep within the pastel shadows cast by neon lights a demon patiently watches as her essence is consumed by thousands, she grows in power and influence; soon she will have enough to return to our world. Can either one of them realize what is really happening, and if they do, can they stop her?

  5. A quick call for help from the more experienced bloggers out there.

    Should I be doing a new post for each version or deal with it in comments???

    I have a funny feeling now that I did these comments I should have done a new post.

    Then again what is stopping me.

    Nevermind.

  6. My attempt at a re-write would look like this (this was of course before looking at your new re-write attempts.. Hmm..Well I will save 3.0 for the morning when I am fresh…)

    An extraordinarily potent new drug surfaces in the pulsating clubs of Las Vegas, instantly replacing Ecstasy as the drug of choice, and quickly makes its way onto the street where it swiftly seeps into every corner of the city. Deep within the pastel shadows cast by the glowing neon lights a demon patiently watches and acquires power and influence as her essence is consumed by thousands; soon she will have enough souls to return to our world. Can a burned out Ecstasy dealer, grown old and disillusioned with the scene, or a young Metro officer, oblivious to the unseen world around him, realize what is really happening, and if they do, can they stop her?
    I don’t like “corner of the city”. It makes sense but I can’t think of a good alternative right now. Like the hook question at the end. Hope this helps some. Since they are long sentences I tried to make them smoother. Let me know what you think!
    Good Luck!

  7. It is really hard to critique what you write. I am in such awe of your words and how you write. I kinda feel like the bang is missing though. I feel like the book is so much more hardcore then the passage. Vegas, sex, drugs, being under the influance of an evil demon and agreeing to work with her. To make her more powerful to cross over to our world. From hers which parallels ours and that is shrouded by a veil that is easily torn through. Then on the other side we have the old world pairing with the new to take down this demon. I am a huge fan of immortals or in this case a person that has been around for decades. And has secret knowledge of a world that we don’t know. I love that part of the story that was a huge grab for me. So I have to say I miss that part in the passage. I don’t know if this helps at all or if I just sound like a big dork. BUT I love your book.. So I want it to win. Love ya

    • That was the shitty thing about the contest. Try to get all that into three sentences. I am going to have to write my query letter which will be longer and more detailed. I am planning on posting that up here as well. Thanks for all your help.


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