Query Letter V1.0

Here is my first query letter attempt:

Dear Mr/Ms Important Agent or Editor

Jeff Heaven is getting a bit long in the tooth to be a club kid, let alone an Ecstasy dealer. He had thought he had seen it all when a strange and powerful new drug emerges from the pulsating clubs of Las Vegas, instantly replacing Ecstasy as the drug of choice for the ravers and revelers. The substance spreads like a cancer throughout the city, and Jeff discovers his friend is the sole supplier.

Niccolo Casciano is a strait laced Las Vegas Metro Officer out clubbing with his girlfriend Abby. He knows little about street drugs and less about the supernatural but when he finds out that his girlfriend has dosed him with Ecstasy he storms out of the club with Abby in tow and into a crepuscular nightmare world. He has to learn quickly about both to survive.

 Deep within the pastel shadows cast by neon lights a demon patiently watches as her essence is consumed by thousands. She grows in power and influence; soon she will have enough to return to our world. Can either Jeff or Nic realize what is really happening, and if they do, can they stop her?

Midnight in Vegas is a 125,000 word supernatural thriller that takes the reader from the high tempo club scene of Las Vegas and into the twilight realm of the Perimeter, the world between worlds.

Nic must fight his way through both to face the demon at the opening of a brand new club and stop her from reentering our world.

 I’ll be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Respectfully

Lystra Pitts

Okay here is the deal. I don’t want any positive feedback. NONE. I love you guys who are all support but if you can’t think of anything mean to say don’t say anything at all. I WANT REAL CRITISISM. Same as the last drill, email, tweet or comment. Please help me, this is important.

Thanks

-Lystra

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6 Comments

  1. I hate doing this. English was my worst subjuect and I don’t pretend at all to have any skill or knowledge about writing and literature. BUT I want to your book to be published and support you sooooo here is my opinion. I don’t like the long introdiction for Jeff. I think he is way more involved in the distribution of the drug and is deeper into the demon realm to just be cast off in the story as the long in the tooth drug dealer that comes in to save the day at the end. For the Nic part I feel like you are pulling too much into the “drug book” description instead of the supernatural. I don’t feel that Nic needed to learn anything about drugs in this book. More about the supernatural. On the Nic part I would like to maybe hear something like him teaming with a imorrtal evil/supernatural fighter and other supernatural occults to take her down. I like the description of the demon but thought maybe it would be more interesting to mention that she is waiting in a parallel world. So that is it. My favorite in the book is Tymon and Solomn and I think they bring that big bang to making the book totally likeable and more appealing to maybe a wider audience so I hate to see them cut out. I feel like Nic’s team of demon killers are too important to not list them in his little intro. So I hope this helps.

  2. Excellent.
    Okay-reworking it, I see your point. V1.1 coming up- Thanks!

  3. Lystra,

    Less is more. It’s a cliche, but hey, cliches are just well known fact right?

    I haven’t read your manuscript, but from the query above, this is what I think really matters:

    Dear Janet (cuz I DO think this is her kind of thing),

    Deep within the shadows cast by neon lights a demon watches as her essence is consumed by thousands. Soon she will have enough power to return to our world.

    Jeff Heaven is a drug dealer who thought he had seen it all when a strange and powerful new drug emerges from the pulsating clubs of Las Vegas.

    Niccolo Casciano is a strait laced Las Vegas Metro Officer whose girlfriend drags him into a nightmare world where drugs and the supernatural rule.

    In Midnight in Vegas, a 125,000 word supernatural thriller, the two natural enemies must join forces to stop the demon…before she is unstoppable.

    (Here is where you put something about yourself…writing credits are best. If you’ve ever published anything in a journal even, as long as it wasn’t at your high school, put it here. You don’t need to tell Janet that you’d be happy to send the manuscript. If not, why are you querying?)

    Thank you for your time.

    Sincerely,

    Lystra Pitts

    Also, ‘powerful’ shows up more than once. It would be good to find another word, especially in the sentence ‘strange and powerful new drug’. You need a word that really knocks it home that people are goners the first time they take this stuff.

    So…that’s my two cents worth. Probably worth the two gumballs you could buy with it.

    Kari

  4. Also, if you haven’t seen this, take a look. This is the query that ultimately got Bill Cameron published. See how little you really need?

    http://www.castingthebones.com/?p=613

    BTW, the book sounds pretty cool.

    Kari

    • Kari,
      Thanks for the input. I really appreciate it. I also like the Bill Cameron Query. Sometimes you have to factor in luck. All the skills in the world aren’t going to help you much if you don’t draw the cards.

  5. […] contest and a huge success in my book. An even better prize is Kari took the time to critique my query letter v1.0 . Check it out, I think she gave me some real […]


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